My body and I have existed separately for about 90% of my life. While some days she was distant due to my criticism and negativity, others she reveled in male praise, the only place she could ever go to receive an adequate compliment.

Growing up I was considered over-developed. While girls in my common classes were petite and small framed I was large derriere'd and noticeable. My breasts, were always proportionate but I always felt too adult, too “filled up” to be one of them. In my home I was told to wear large clothes to school, never told why so I assumed it was because I -  was a problem. I’ve grown to learn that the intention was protection, because it is known what the world makes of little girls who look too old, that the opposite of conservative is sexualization. Something that this world should be ashamed of for inflicting on little girls. The weight of having to filter themselves in the place of adults who should have self control. But I digress.

This began the love/hate relationship with my body, the scrutiny of it’s every little imperfection - the obsession I grew with wanting everything I had to be significantly smaller. To make matters worse I was always larger than my older sister, which always made me feel wrong in comparison.

As time progressed my age began to catch up with my physicality, I was now prepared for the attention it provoked and actually desired it. I noticed that guys, never pointed out stretch marks or bloat, never made statements about sagging breasts they would just stare - like my stature was rare. Like I finally felt appreciated.

It didn’t take long for my intellect to override my unfed ego, for me to see the lack of depth behind these “interests”-  that what I thought was nice was actually me being minimized to my asset size, that I was never often referred to as pretty. This took a toll as well, always wondering if my base compensated for my face. If I would still be wanted whole.

It took up to 24 to love everything within this girl, attached to this girl, embodied in this woman. It took some mistakes, some misplacements of her greatness to realize she is a soul - that despite of her weight or shape, she radiates this thing called hope, this thing called growth - that she now expands gladly.    

I will not apologize for how I show up in this world, no woman should have to. It is hard enough to make it through the day without picking away at everything that already makes you, beautiful.

EveryBODY’S,  bodies are different. That’s called the range of God. He is too creative to put us in a box, we are not - cookie cutters or drones, nor clones of perfection. Your body is a blessing. Treat it as such.