As cliché and corny as inspirational quotes may seem, there is such depth behind their simplicity. An inspirational quote has the ability to transform lessons that took a lifetime to learn into simple statements that can resonate with people at all different stages of life. Stumbling across the quote “We Date at the Level of Our Self Esteem” caused me to experience the first of many reckonings, and of what Queen Oprah would define as an “AHA!” moment.  

If you are not an Oprah STAN like me, this term basically refers to that moment that you receive distinctive clarity. This revelation is so awakening that it stops you in your tracks regardless of what you are occupied with. I can remember exactly where I was. I was sitting in the I-Lab on my campus, once again trying to compose a vision board reflective of my goals, dreams and aspirations. I spent hours searching for sufficient motivation, hoping that if I was surrounded by positivity in my living space that it would eventually internalize. I was still grieving from a tumultuous break up and wanted to find a way to remain upbeat. I did a quick Google search “Inspirational Break up Quotes” and was met face to face with a statement that has now changed my life forever. “We date at the level of our self esteem.” Profound. 

Now this may seem so obvious to those who have gotten themselves together faster than me, but to me the two never seemed to correlate. Reading this evoked a desire for reflection and required an urgent one on one meeting with myself, the person responsible for making all of my decisions.

I knew I had no other choice than to look back on my failed relationship and take accountability for the role I played. Have you ever been so down that literally all you can ask yourself is how the HELL did I get here? It is a question that cannot be avoided, it must be answered for the sake of your peace of mind. So I did just that, I searched for the answer.

It's amazing what silence, tea and an extremely comfortable loveseat can do for the process of reflection. Phone down, television off I tackled my insecurities head on and faced the things within me that allowed me to repeatedly settle for less. Since the beginning of my dating history I have always been attracted to “fixable” people. This habit was not unknown to me. I simply attributed this pattern to my fascination with the human mind (hence my status as a Psychology major) and my ability to see people beyond the mask that they present in social settings. To simplify my overly worded flaw, I was one of those “You don’t know him like I do” girls. You know, the ones that everyone can clearly see are no good for you but you choose to be with anyway. I was always intrigued by broken people because I believed I was in on a top secret mission. Only I understood that beyond their rugged exterior was a good person, someone they only revealed when they were in my presence; signifying that I was trusted, and special. I thrived off of potential and always seemed to see the best in people even when presented with nothing but their worst.

Now don’t get me wrong, my inclination for compassion has always served as a strong suit in other areas. I truly believe it is a gift and that the world needs more like minded people. Unfortunately as nice as all of that is, when relating to relationships my nature does not serve as nurturing. Instead it is enabling. What I failed to realize was that creating excuses for poor behavior was reflective of  what I believed I deserved out of a relationship. What I once perceived as being insightful and one of my greatest character traits was truly just my inability to hold people accountable for the way that I was treated. My desire to tend to people that were not whole allowed me to be content with accepting halves, and I then became the designated owner of the short end of the stick.

Although I was aware of my unhealthy preferences, this pattern never truly concerned me because it was not synonymous with heartbreak. I had not been in a mature enough “relationship” to even conceive of how detrimental this would all come to be. It was not until I truly experienced the pain that comes from love and unmet expectations that I understood that I was the constant factor in my distress. While I had enough self respect to walk away from his blatant disregard for monogamy, after our breakup I continued to return to him for repeated rounds of heartbreak. My instinctual desire to excuse his behavior and enable his shortcomings is what truly led me to question “How must I feel about myself if this is what I believe I deserve?”   

It is often easiest to victimize ourselves. For a year on end I was the self proclaimed victim of two years of one-sided sacrifice ending in an agonizing betrayal. What I have now come to realize is that dating is a selective process. Meaning that I chose that person, and I was responsible for allowing any behavior that followed. Maybe some of you like me believed wholeheartedly that you knew them well enough. You felt hoodwinked, like the person you knew and loved was replaced with a monster. The reality of it is that although we may have entered blindly, eventually actions begin to expose character. I felt the shift in our relationship but stayed in the name of love. I eventually saw the monster but my flaw convinced me I could tame it. I had let my requirements become negotiable, and allowed my standards to be compromised. I have come to learn that there is no excuse deep enough to pardon disrespect, and no love strong enough to sacrifice dignity.

So when asking myself the question: “How the HELL did I get here?” I came to this conclusion. I got here because our youth, insecurities and love were toxic when combined. I got here because I was selfless opposed to self aware, not yet realizing that the two were separate entities. Most importantly I got here because I had yet to learn the power in knowing myself. I say all of this to say that despite the sting of heartbreak there is maturity and peace in accountability. Reflecting on my deficiencies was an empowering process and what this life journey is all about: Loving, Living and Learning. Sometimes you have to break down to rebuild, but if you trust the process the result is such a beautiful awakening. As a result I have gained a sense of self that is indestructible and I hope that you are all successful on your voyage to self awareness.