Two and a half years ago I found myself in a strange relationship. Not only with a person, but with myself. Longing for something to feel in the midst of a hard time. While the definition of hard time may vary from case to case, I must say that this season would be agreed upon no matter the measuring stick: This meant unemployment as a result of a mental breakdown. I didn’t know who I was, what to do with myself, or how to love the person looking back at me.

While mental health struggles were no stranger to me at this time, my insides along with my outside environment were in conditions I’ve never experienced before. The world was collapsing from the onset of Covid, and my symptoms seemed to be heightened by the chaos at large. I would find myself sobbing, shaking, having unexplainable anxiety that I could not seem to push through. 

At my job, our classrooms were consistently exposed to Covid, while the staff and I were expected to be the heroes that we needed ourselves. All of the ingredients for an overflowing pot were mixed day after day, and my pot did what all things under pressure do - explode.

By the grace of God I was diagnosed with a mental health disorder that provided me with the language, care, and medication that I needed to continue to get by. But the years of suppression, self-doubt, and unrelenting pressure already etched its words into me- I already believed that I wasn’t enough.

Not Valuable.

Those words were the backdrop of my psyche, for years, 

and I believed every word.

So what happens when you mix these thoughts, being unemployed, alone, and depressed in a shaker? 

You get my ex: the person I chose because I didn’t know how to sit with where I was.

I would love to sit here and say that she was kind, charming, and utterly irresistible but neither is true. She was impatient, quick tempered, and outright ill matched, but the person I saw in the mirror deserved an inadequate partner. How could I ask for something I didn’t have myself?

So time did what it is best at, it passed. Before I knew it I was laying with someone who would yell at traffic lights, dodge accountability, and look for reasons to argue with me. Unprovoked, and undeserved, 6 months of my life was dedicated to proving myself worthy to someone I barely knew. 

While I’d love to say my logic jolted me out of this relationship, I was cornered. My last straw was when I caught her cheating on me. Red handed. Indisputable. No room to lie.

If there was a bottom of the barrel I was there, and even for the state I was in I knew I deserved better than this. I walked away…and never looked back.

My point in sharing this is that whole people choose wisely.

I didn’t say perfect people

I didn’t say all knowing people

People who are content with their mirror, are used to looking at their own smile. They’d never pick someone who didn’t make them do the same, they’d never settle for less. 

3 Years later, job in tow, and an esteem that is committed to fighting for herself, I know the girl I see would always choose her smile.

To anyone reading this,

I hope you choose the same. 

With Love,

Jessica Alyse